Meet Baby Belgian

Posted: February 20, 2011 in Uncategorized

Baby Belgium with Lunch Bunch at Bangkok's Sizzler's

Baby Belgium is a whopper 350 pounds.

When Baby Belgium takes his holiday to the Land of Heaven on Earth he brings a box of Belgium chocolates to the Lunch Bunch-ers on Friday at Sizzler’s near the Thong Lo Skytrain station.

His job in Belgium is Harbor Master at Antwerp’s sea port. I asked if he blows the whistle when he sees two ships are about to collide.

Baby Belgium said, “Richard, we stopped blowing the whistle fifty years ago. We use GPS and other modern devices to observe where the ships are.”

“I see,” Baby Belgium, pleased to be privy to this updated info.

Baby Belgium told me that Americans are an unhappy bunch. “Except for the expats,” he said. “The only happy Americanos are the expats living abroad. Living in the USA is serving a prison sentence.”

He noted that only 5% of Americans have passports. “Your countrymen and countrywomen are ignorant of world affairs. They still think the USA is the center of the world.”

Baby Belgium challenged me to tell him the geographic location of Belgium.

I told him that was an easy. When I am in the USA I take the Coney Island ferry in Brooklyn. Twenty minutes later the ferry arrives at the Antwerp Harbor in Belgium. I get off the boat and buy a box of Belgium chocolates and hang out with Belgians.

He told me I was wrong. I said it’s obvious Baby Belgium hasn’t taken a look at the latest world map on the internet.

Baby Belgium speaks Flemish, French, English, German, Spanish AND THAI.

I told him I speak Arabic, Finnish, Cherokee Indian, a little Mongolian and some English.

“I know why they call you Richard the Liar-heart,” Baby Belgium said. “You don’t speak Finnish or Arabic. But you do speak a little English.”

He added: “There is no ferry boat ride from Coney Island to Antwerp.”

“Baby Belgium,” I said. “Telling the truth makes me sick. Thus speaking the truth is harmful to me. Do you understand?”

“You always lie.”

“Thank you soooo much, Baby Belgium.”

I asked Baby Belgium for his favorite quotation: He said he likes my quote on the blog: “Life is too serious to be taken seriously.”

Baby Belgium asked me for my favorite quote: “If you thinketh too much, you thinketh too much.”

He told me there are 150 beer brands in Belgium. I told him that’s a lot of beer producers in such a small country.

Baby Belgium doesn’t drink beer. “If you did,” I said, “you would weigh 450 pounds instead of 350.”

I asked if he believes in reincarnation. “Yep yep, Richard, I do.”

I told him I plan to come back as a house dawg.

What would he like to come back as?

He is thinking about it and will email his answer from Belgium.

I asked Baby Belgium to tell the Lunch Bunch-ers his favorite story about Belgium. I quote Baby: “Surprised while burgling a house, the thief ran out the back door, hopped over a fence and landed in the exercise yard of Antwerp’s city prison.”

He asked for my favorite New Yorker story. I said: “A tourist asked a New Yorker how to get to Carnegie Hall. “Practice practice practice.”

Baby Belgium, a gentle whopper, leaves for Belgium next week. He will return to Heaven on Earth on his next holiday. I will give him a farewell present—a whistle in the event the GPS and other devices crash.

THE LUNCH BUNCH-ers are: Arthur (aka UK is OK), Michelle (aka Beach Bum, Aussie), Baby Belgium, Ron Ibold (aka U-Boat, California), Herb (Herbal, New York), Jim (Sick Puppy, Calif.), Richard (Rotten Richard, Richard da Liar-Heart, NY), Les (Do More With Les, Chicago), Randy (Five-Oh, Hawaii), Nuch (Lady Randy, Siam), Roberto (don Roberto, Calif), Don (Magick Man, Aussie), Billy Boy (guitar player, Calif.), Thai Thom (world traveler, USA) and Bill Bill (the Good Samaritan, USA).

ADDENDUM: An occasional member of the Lunch Bunch is Lek Lek (Little Lek), my occasional girlfriend. She refers to me as ‘Wacky.’ In a movie she heard the expression “It’s raining cats & dogs.” Whenever it rains she texts me: “Wacky, it rain cat and dog in my district.” Another occasional member is Lek Yai (Big Lek) and Dave (Hawaii).

  1. The Beav says:

    Now I really know where my nick name came from!


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