Yankee Noodle & the Chinese Boy

Posted: September 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

(NOTE: This is a true story. In order to protect the identity of the players, the names have been changed)

My American friend Noodle operates a restaurant called “Yankee Noodle.” He told me about Chow Mein, his new Chinese girlfriend who recently came from China to manage an Import-Export Company, appropriately named “China Town.”

I was intrigued about Chow Mein’s 10-year old son, Chop Huey. “He’s a behavioral case,” Noodle told me.

My good friend elaborated on the behavior problems of the overweight and poorly-dressed Chop Huey, First of all, the boy hates Americans. They are from the despised ‘Evil Empire.’

Chow Mein, his mom, has taken a fancy to the Yank.

Chop Huey also hates the Dalai Lama, an evil-doer who wants to take away Tibet, which he viewed as being a part of China.

Chop Huey is determined to destroy the relationship between his mom, Chow Mein, and her evil boyfriend, Noodle.

When the boy catches Noodle sleeping, he (Chop Huey) bangs a pot with a metal spoon until the rattled boyfriend wakes up with a whooper headache.

The boy refuses to talk to Noodle. Instead, he screams and yells at the befuddled bf.

“Chop Huey is bright,” Noodle told me. “He’s only been in Thailand three months and his English is outta sight. He’s top in his class in an international school.”

Noodle pleaded with me to have a heart-to-heart talk with Chop Huey.

“Why me?” I asked.

“Because it’s quite possible that one whacko can relate to another whacko.”

I liked Noodle’s reasoning and accepted his challenge.

I met the young boy in the playroom of Noodle’s condo. Since I knew that Chinese were export ping pong players I proposed that we play one or two games.
To entice the boy to engage in the game I suggested we play for one hundred baht current value about $3.25). To sweeten the offer I suggested we play three games at one hundred baht per game.

Chop Huey has the body of a snow man. When he is at the opposite side of the ping pong table he takes up both sides of the table. I figured he snow man’s build would hamper his mobility, The snow man was delighted to take me on. Since he was monstrously overweight I thought he would put the paddle down and be too exhausted within five minutes.

We agreed that we play until to fifteen points was reached.
Chop Huey boasted that I wouldn’t get more than three points.
“You want to double the bet, Fat Boy?”
“What did you call me?
“Fat Boy.”
Instead of taking umbrage, he laughed and accepted two hundred baht per game.
The score was 15-2. Fat Boy’s favor.
I told him he was lucky. I would beat him the next game.
He asked if I would I agree to pay him four hundred baht if he shut me out. To sweeten the bet, he said we would play to twenty-one points.
“Fat Boy, you gotta be kiddin’. You expect me beat me 21 to nothing?”
With glee, he nodded. “Fat Boy can whip you 30 to zero,” he added.

I accepted his suicidal bet that I would score at least one point in a 21 game..
“First I go pee,” he said. “I hope you don’t run away while I pee.”
That is psychological warfare at its best. During his absence Yankee Noodle was ecstatic that I had engaged the boy in conversation.

Chop Huey returned with two large liters of coke, three croissants and a large bag of potato chips. When he devoured the treats he plunged into action.

The future Chinese ping pong champ whacked whacky me 21-0. That’s when I realized the previous game was a warm-up for him.
During our chow-down in a Starbuck’s in the Yank’s Yankee Noodle’s restaurant I asked what Chop Huey wanted to be when he grew up.
Without hesitating he said, “I want to be a corrupt Chinese official.”

I thought he was joking.

“Not joking.”
He told me he was learning English and Thai in order to accept bribes from Americans and Thais as well as Chinese when he returned to China in a few years.

I wished Chop Huey good luck.

Upon returning to my digs I checked out Transparency International.com. I wanted to know where China stood on the list of the Most Corrupt Nations.
China ranked 78 of 91 on the list of Corrupt Countries.

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